i've been reading carrie's blog just and something she said totally struck a chord.

"I've always found it hard to be extremely honest about my past. I love reminiscing about the good ol' days with friends and all that, but when it comes to a personal memory of the past, I've never been able to come out and describe it in honest detail. In fact, I hate answering questions about my past, and would normally give such non-commital answers that people notice I'm not willing to talk straight away. .....
Could it be that I've still not come to terms with who I am? Or could it be that I'm trying to distance myself from someone who I was before, trying to morph into a total different person?"

to be truly honest, i am rather ashamed of part of what i was in the past. i admit i was foolish (way more than i am right now), selfish, very brash and even kinda "homosexually-inclined", as carrie so nicely put it. and yea, even now, i find it hard to face myself. that's why i seldom talk about my past and neither do i ask people of theirs. that's why sometimes when renjun, who has a tendency to ask about my past, albeit unintentionally, asks, i find it hard to answer. i really admire people who are able to come to terms with their past. sometimes, i tell myself i ought to because it's what makes me what i am right now, but it's hard, considering there are many things i regret but can no longer rectify.