met my p5 kid on the way home today. he improved in all three subs! though i'm unsure if he'd continue considering the poachers from the other centre, it's a reassurance that i'm not entirely a lousy teacher. the PSLE results were pretty demoralising for me and overall it added up to a very miserable november. i guess you can say good news come when you least expect it.

ironically, i'm looking forward not to the trip ahead (been there so many times even my youngest sis is beginning to get bored) but to the period after. where it's gonna be MY time. sorta disappointed that the centre didn't allocate me holiday classes in the end as i like interacting with young kids. still good though. have other things to occupy myself with.

meanwhile, it's a wretched existence for me. a period of pressure and uncertainty. the greatest fear is the fear of the unknown which unfortunately, follows me like a plague of late. why?? why am i full of doubt? why can't i summon self-esteem when i need it? is there any more strength within? i can't emphasize how important self-reliance is to me. but recently, i feel crippled and drained - like i can't help myself. yet i don't want anybody to help me. don't know if i can press on any longer. or if i want to. sometimes i wonder what's the point? perhaps the end result would be as i expected. again.

to think a month ago i was wondering why pri school kids these days watch porn, steal or sniff glue.

hopefully, i will emerge from this shit and someday be able to look back at it and think "trivial nonsense. why was i even so worked up about it?" while waiting for the time to come, i shall occupy myself with some studying.